i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
