my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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