He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
