Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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