i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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