i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
