Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
