he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
