my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
