Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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