i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Green mimosas i think yes
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
