I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize