You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
