mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
