I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
