Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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