Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
as a side note pls kill me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
