im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
