I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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