eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
