College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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