My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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