Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
