i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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