im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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