i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
