she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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