dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
