I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
