I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
