Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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