Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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