I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
