I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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