shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
