My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
