YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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