Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
