Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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