I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
where are my pants?
in the oven.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
