Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
