Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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