tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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