I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My pussy is not your playground.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
