I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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