Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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