I heard we made out
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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