went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
