I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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