So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
