you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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