Moan for me like Helen Keller
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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