I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
