If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
