Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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