Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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