hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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