i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
