hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
