It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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