Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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